Living foolishly...

In some strange way, I consider every conversation I have with a friend, acquaintance or stranger, a lucky incident. I use the incident descriptor for these moments because in every little talk, be it on my end, or theirs, I find something between the lines that strikes me at the core. A battle of the minds and morals a few weeks ago left me feeling anger for a friend's blatant stupidity, or at least what i thought was stupidity in the heat of the moment; and at the same time envy that they could make a decision to live in a moment free of shame, free of morals, just free.

Without giving away any real details, we'll just say they made a very selfish decision that benefited them in the present, with no regard as to who it hurt, or the fact that it would eventually hurt them. By nature, I tend to dwell on things. Another trait of my personal craziness that I consider to be a gift and a curse. There is this deeply engrained need in me to fix people, to make them see things the way I do. Some would say that this is because I am bull-headed, that I always have to be right, and that is not the case. Sure, being right is ok when you're right, but there are plenty of times where being right can and does deliver negative consequences. I will only push until I break when I feel like someone is walking a moral tight rope and I can sway them to do what is right, but that is another conversation in itself.

It just isn't in me to jump right into any topic with first telling you why or how I've gotten to this point, so there you have it. In all of my blogs, in my most basic ideologies though, I understand where they're coming from. They're just living foolishly.

The fools love with everything they have, regardless of the outcome. The fools don't mind putting themselves out there for world to see; don't mind repercussions of their decisions as long as in their hearts, they felt like what they were doing was right. The fool will aim for the stars, knowing they will never reach them; the fool will bask in the excitement of an opportunity taken, and cry with honesty and acceptance when the payoff isn't what they longed for. But, isn't this the point of life? After all, we do only get one chance...one shot...one opportunity? Wait...that's Eminem. Seriously though, your life is yours. It isn't meant for you to go around wondering and worrying about people that don't have, or don't want to have anything to do with you. They can be fools for a whole different reason. You, can live foolishly...and happily. You know the secret.

This isn't to say that it's okay to go around treading on others for the sake of your happiness, merely that sometimes risks have to be taken. Waters have to be tread on in order to know that you've done everything in your power to be happy. This isn't a lesson on relationships, even though it is what spawned this blurb. This is a lesson about life. Care with everything you have. Appreciate every moment for what it is. Laugh like a fool, because that's why we're alive. Cry like an idiot when you hurt, because getting it all out will make it better...and end with a smile. Tell the person on your mind everything you want to say, because if you don't...you'll regret it. I can promise you that. Sometimes things will come out that you didn't even mean to say, but that's okay...because you're a fool.

In my last year and a half of finding happiness, giving love, giving kindness, and trying in my own way to spread my ideas; I've also begun to live a little foolishly. I must say, I'm liking it.

Building better friendships...

By definition, opportunity is defined as "a set of circumstances that makes something possible." Distance is described as "the space between two objects." That being said, when someone creates distance between themselves and others, they are denying any opportunity for growth in friendships, and beyond. This is particularly saddening when one of those parties is making a strong attempt at creating some kind of connection, or bond. To say that you're "too busy" to let someone into your life, while not being particularly busy letting others in can only say one thing in most cases: "I don't think you are worth my time." That is, of course, unless there are other reasons why such a distance would be created or kept. That, however is only known to the person creating the space. This can leave someone feeling unappreciated, unworthy, confused, or just plain saddened.

Friendships will always be two way streets. It's hard to say that you appreciate friendships when your actions   more often than not, don't reflect your words. Sometimes something as simple as a hello for no reason can let a person know that you value them. I'm guilty of giving people the run around. There have been plenty of times I've agreed to an outing with no intentions of ever following through. There have also been times when I've been the one reaching out. Once you've done something, you always know when it's being done to you. Persistence will typically win out, but losing hope is always a possibility.

This may just seem like a rant, but it isn't. When there is a disconnect, sometimes it isn't because there is no connection. Sometimes a person can just be avoiding the connection. Don't ever leave someone in the dark. Leaving things open to interpretation will only lead to confusion. Sometimes not being clear can create a void...allow the mind to wander. This can give the impression that a person is particular way when that really isn't the case. It is your lack of clarity that creates that impression, leaving you to pass judgement for something you may play a big part in. People are human, people deserve honesty, and clarity is necessary in some situations. Be forward and open, then see what happens.

Thinking about friendships I've given up, or had to let go...friendships that I didn't allow to blossom...I have to think of the reasons why. Of course, sometimes it's necessary to let people go, there are people that are just toxic, but what about the others? What about the people that actually reached out to me? It's a saddening thought that someone just wanted a little bit of my time and I was too lazy, busy, or just disinterested to put any effort in. Think about your closest friends. What if someone else was just as good as them? What if someone shared more interests in common with you than you could have ever imagined; mutual goals and life ambitions? I suppose all I'm saying is, don't hold someone at a distance and take away opportunity. Sometimes friendships aren't working, because you're making them not work. When you hold value in someone, show it. If you can see value in someone, give it a chance to grow.

I hope you make a friend today.

End rant.

Taking off (enduring the turbulence)...

Our childhoods are like gifts. It's a special time in our lives when we get to learn, experience, and in special cases, we're able to forget. Everyday we learn to challenge ourselves, we are pushed to dream, told to think greater. The world is ours for the taking. Small and wondrous, we look up to the sky. Our tiny feet hold tightly to the ground as we stare to the clouds. Imagine what could be up there. Imagine that we could fly. Our lives lead as far as we can see, we know they have to end somewhere, but they sky...well up there we can go anywhere.

As we board the plane into our teenage years, ideals form about future plans and career aspirations. Some of us experience love for the first time while others battle the demons of our youths. The engines roar in anticipation as life shakes us in our seats. Something is coming, life is already taken so long to get here and we can feel that a new experience is upon us. Nothing will be the same after this. Take off is imminent as the plane barrels down the runway, everything is behind us now. The clouds are waiting to swallow us whole.

Ascending into the fray, losing sight of everything under us, we are surrounded by an unfamiliar haze. Determining left from right, up from down is difficult. All we can do is trust that the plane is climbing...we lose sight of the horizon. Farther into the clouds, farther onto our dreams.

Every bump of the plane is an unsteady shock. Our hearts and stomach are overwhelmed with the unfamiliar feelings of rising and falling, sometimes quickly and others slower than we can imagine. These turbulence are what create the adult we become. The happiness and heartache that we endure as we try to discover who we will become. When you're flying, you can't control the turbulence...all you can do is hope to climb...work to ascend.

There is a moment when you break through the fog. You realize that in all of the fog, fear and discomfort...you kept working to rise. The fight through the clouds finally paid off. You are above the clouds looking down. There is no horizon up here, because you can see forever. The sun always shines above the clouds.

It's a simple analogy, but an honest one that I recently experienced. Our lives are like the flight of a plane. As long as we work towards our goals, we can always find our way above the clouds and out of the storms that shake our lives. We can all get a little closer to the sun.

A little flight for thought.

Losing the taker in ourselves...

It has been almost a full month since my last post. Inspiration is funny like that. When something isn't an active hobby, something that is planned and happens with intention on your own, or with others...you can only work when the inspiration finds you. There isn't any frustration to be found when inspiration doesn't find you, because productive hobbies only work in the moment. Forcing a hobby is like forcing a friendship, or for that matter a relationship. If it doesn't work both ways, it is bound to fail. This brings me to the topic that struck me, thanks to something I heard, luckily. It stood out so loudly to me because it instantly made me think of a friend who has effected me a great deal in the short time that I've known them...and immediately after, make me think of so many friendships and relationships that I have either been a part of, or witnessed/heard of through others. The star of this blog is the "taker".

I was listening to an excerpt of Joe Rogan speaking on relationships, in a general sense, and he said something that stood out to me. I don't remember exactly how he worded it, but he made a reference to toxic people that only know how to take from others. It isn't really their fault, because they don't even realize they are doing it. It is engrained in them. He made the point that people that are truly happy in life are so because they only know how to give. They aren't trying to gain anything by knowing someone, or benefit from the relationship. They only give. These people enjoy all the good in the world and roll with the punches. "Givers" find the beauty in the mundane, find new ways to enjoy the gifts given to them by life and give love, because it makes everyone happy. The toxic people are attracted to the "givers" because they see them as a means to fill a void in their own lives, or to find a way to benefit themselves, and have the potential to taint the good spirit of the giver or at least bring them down until the giver realizes that some people just need to go their own way...letting go. The idea of givers and takers did not fall on deaf ears.

As I said earlier, when I heard the thought process being laid out, I instantly thought of my friend. Am I a taker? Did I seek to obtain some sort of happiness from being around this person? Is there a negativity or unattractive quality I already unknowingly posses that would make this person weary of me? Would it ever jeopardize our friendship? Anyone that knows me, understands that this is just how my mind works. The downfall of a thinker...so many things happening in the mind. It's a silent kind of crazy. If you have ever read Ekhart Tolle, you would understand that reference. Anyhow, none of these questions were real issues, I simply enjoy this friends company. Being around someone who only gives can literally change you as a person. This is not because you are trying to emulate them, or because you want to have something they have, it's because they make you realize how much of life you don't pay attention to and appreciate. Once someone points out the good in things you've always recognized, but never really given thought to, you instantly grow...as long as you want to. I wanted to grow before I met them and I want to grow even more thanks to them.

All the good that people have in them when they learn to give as much as they can, will attract the world...it's inevitable. They attract other givers, and seemingly endless numbers of takers, but they continue to give. The attraction is a byproduct of their enjoyment of life, it isn't the reason they live. The failing relationships and friendships we encounter and sometimes endure, for much longer than necessary, is because we as people don't have the capacity, or desire to give. We hold small grudges, we intentionally don't address our feelings in situations, we find reasons to despise people in secret for the same reasons that once attracted us to them to begin with. I think this is because the takers in all of us somehow gain control at times and when we don't feel like we have anything to gain from a person, we find ways to dismiss them. This isn't an original idea, it's been said many times, many ways, but it doesn't fail.

I'm not saying that we should all try to be "givers" because the idea is so broad and has so many different meaning. We should all clearly focus on giving more, enjoying life and spreading the idea of love. What I'm saying is that if you look at friend you have, someone you know that constantly has failing friendships and relationships, you'll notice one trend...they take. They take attention or money, they take affection or seek affirmation from others to feel justified in decisions. Whatever the reason is, they simply don't tend to give. They don't enjoy life in a positive manner. There isn't a desire to seek growth. They are who they are and they do what they do...and generally, that's it. The moment they seek someone that has something they desire, they latch on and try to take as much as they can until they are enlightened enough to realize that they are toxic, or the connection simply needs to be severed. If we as people were to focus more on just being happy, not worrying about others, not focusing on things in life that really have no direct effect on our personal happiness...the takers have to take notice. They can step up, or move on. We don't love them any less, don't expect anything from them but to live their lives. Sometimes things just don't work out.

I wish I could be a little more clear with my message, but I'm extremely tired at the moment. Inspiration doesn't stop for sleep I suppose, so I took advantage of the moment. I had to learn that. Capture moments in the moment, or you will forget them...and the meaning may never see the light of day. That is a sad thought.

In closing, love more, take less, do you...and learn to enjoy life a little. We only get one.

Thanks, friend.

The "letting go" moment...

The prompt for this piece was to write about a reality you could once see for yourself, but can no longer. A childhood dream or past relationship. For some reason I always tend to write when I hear music. Songs inspire thoughts that make me want to pour into a page when would otherwise have nothing to say. The song happened to inspire the piece, but doesn't directly fit the prompt...It toes the line though so I figured I could get away with it. If your curious, the song is called "Never Had" by Oscar Isaac.

Enjoy.

When was the last time life approached you like a freight train? When has life ever hit you so hard that you felt no choice but to let it roll through. If not for the footprints leading to the tracks, no one would even know you had been on the path. Little things can catch you so off guard that they seem like a locomotive and you don't have any say, only left with the after thought. Beauty is a powerful thing. There is a beauty in being able to let go of people. Not to give them up, but to know they're on track to a different place. They may come back, or you may never see them again, but you can look on them in the distance and feel good about their journey. Feel good without sadness.

Harness the love in life. It isn't a statement, as much as it is a dare. There are a brave few out there, a certain kind of person that let's life happen without intention. Exciting and confusing, they don't apologize for any path they may take. After all, they didn't ask you to hitch a ride. It's a frustrating feeling, to see someone doing so much and feeling like a fake. To preach something, it must be practiced...practiced and learned. It so much the fakery that gives the feelings of deception, it's the anxiety that comes in wanting to be at the destination already. Suppose that it isn't the not understanding that is the bothersome thought, but the understanding. Knowing someone has traveled so far that you may never catch up.

It's crazy, almost insane to a point, that you could look back on one moment, and it seems almost unreal. Not unreal in the sense that it didn't happen, but unreal in the sense that you can see everything in a moment. The most intricate details make absolute sense, like being awoken from a dream, but in time blur into a messy haze. We live for the hurt, just like we live for the love. There's a moment right in between those spaces where things feel the most real. There's a moment when you just know things are going to work out. Some people would call it having a little faith. On these things I tend to agree. Whatever is going to happen, will happen. Just give it time. Maybe a fork in the road reconnects somewhere down the tracks. Maybe people are destined to travel in opposite directions forever. Things will workout however you let them. Live with happiness and hope...and don't be afraid to let someone go.

Working out the negativity ("aka" the friend rant...)

That's when the gun went off and she realized that is was her...

I'm kidding. When you watch a good movie though, it grabs your attention with action from the opening credits. So I figured I'd give it a shot. Did it work? I'm taking a different spin on the blog today, reverting back to a time in my younger years. I was pretty notorious for playing captain call out in my youth. The moment I saw someone saying or doing something I didn't deem acceptable, I would immediately call them out. For some reason, I thought very highly of my own personal moral compass...figured my honesty was just a little higher or more noteworthy than others. I only thought this way because I knew inside that I was broken. I judged myself on everything I did, everything I thought. I judged myself so often that I couldn't help but judge others, because it had become my habit.

It's taken me a long time to work through my demons and realize that I can be better. Some things in your life, you'll never be able to really fix. If you can figure out a way to think differently about the things you deem problematic, you may realize they were never problems at all, maybe it was all in your head. That being said, in my trying to be a better friend and a bigger person than I once was, I've noticed that I still can't get passed some of the thoughts I used to have. I've learned to think a different way about things, to let things go, but the longer it goes on and more frequently I see it happening...the more the steam builds. Even the best of us need some sort of release, a way to let the negativity go so that we can reset, focus on getting back to the good.

So, this is how I chose to work out my frustrations with people. It's a wide variety of different "types" of people I've noticed more often. These titles apply to more than one person or group, so if you think it's you, it probably is. I just want to make it clear that I'm not writing this entry about one particular person. I also want to express that I know I'm not perfect. I'm lucky enough to have amazing friends and family. I am in no way implying I'm better than anyone and I for sure have faults, but this isn't about that. Actually, I expect that some people will be able to relate. On some level, it may be entertaining for others, whatever. Read away.

The are titles. Some will have explanations, others will be self explanatory:

The humorist: Goes along with a situation to make you feel good about it. They won't tell you how they really feel, because they're too nice...or they're lying.

The hanger-outer: Is always putting out offers to spend time with you that they never plan on following through with.

The "yes" man/girl: Similar to the hanger outer, this person is notorious for always agreeing to tentative plans without any real intent of seeing them through. You can feel these people out by proposing "real" plans. Ask them to hang with specific details in mind and they'll typically come clean about their intent, otherwise...they'll just keep agreeing to tentative plans and never follow through.

The insincere apologizer: This is pretty self explanatory. The insincere apologizer is usually a repeat offender. Use the baseball rule when you come across these types. Three strikes and you're out.

The absent friend: The absent friend is one who never seems to be around, but is always around. They can also and often be seen in the insincere apologizer combo "sorry I've been so busy seeking out other friendships, but I haven't forgotten about ours...this message is proof." Then they're gone again. I think these friends don't really that the drop in message is actually the slap in the face.

The public couple: I need to voice that there are MANY of these couples in my social circles so don't get defensive. This is the couple that has more relationship problems than a doctoral thesis behind closed doors and advertises to the world publicly that their relationship is amazing.  Everybody knows relationships aren't perfect, so does trying to convince the world yours is help?

The illusionist friend: Remember that saying that you are who your friends are?...or least people will think you are who your friends are?  Well, the same thing applies to your extracurriculars. If you're always at a club or in a bar (girls), guys are not going to believe you're really a good girl that would rather spend nights at home on the couch. Seeing is believing.

The peter pan friend: This is the friend that refuses to grow up for whatever reason and is doing the exact same stuff they were doing a decade ago. They actively seek out the same hobbies, routines and sometimes drama that was acceptable in their youth. They generally have the best intentions at heart, but they're so wrapped up in their own ways that they don't realize they've never grown up.

The boomerang friend: This friend is a special breed. When they're around, you couldn't shake them if you tried. This isn't even a bad thing, they're actually a pretty good friend...until they don't need your support, then you won't hear from them for months, maybe longer. You know they'll come back, you're just never exactly sure when...or why.

The best-friender: The best friender is so busy being everyone's "best friend" that they don't actually have a best friend. Sometimes you wonder about these people...are they more interested in their friendships, or their image?

I'd keep going, but I'm hungry.

Changing directions

Prompt: A moment in my life that I found peace in, that didn't spawn from joy.

There is a warmth coming from above. I make my way to the front of the ship, the only seating that isn't surrounded by walls and glass. Sitting in a crowd full of people, I have never felt more alone. The seagulls dive to water and pass overhead and with each rise of a wave I sink into this haze of thoughts, almost hypnotized. Watching as the moving water catches reflections of the sun, in each fleck of gold all I can see is a deep green that eventually fades into black. The cool air turns cold as I remember a man describing the temperature of the water this time of the year. If the initial shock of the water doesn't cause your muscles to lock up, the following hypothermia will do all the damage it needs to. I think about dreaming. I dream about sleep. Wondering what the darkness is like, I rub my hands together. I feel the heat of my own body and consider the idea of never experiencing another sunset, or sunrise. Is no longer having to deal with the struggles and worries of daily living worth giving up the happy moments that make living worthwhile?

A short trip, less than thirty minutes, feels like hours. How many times can someone make the trip to this lonely island and not lose a little happiness somewhere in these waters. It's so hard to leave life at the door and leave work, at work when coming and going is such a chore. The idea of going to work, is work and only compiles the depression I already feel about my current state. When your job is to look after people that society deems "unfit" to live in the general population, you can't really go to work cheery. Imagine a wall of clouds, dark and thundering, as if waiting behind a wall of glass. That is what it's like for people sometimes. They're in a situation that they know they have to cross a line, go to a place that isn't positive for any reason other than it give society comfort and hope to walk out the same way they walked in. Some places are just no good.

Sprays of water touch my face and realize that the ride is coming to an end. People begin to gather up their belongings and wrap up their conversations, but I haven't set anything down. I haven't spoken to anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside of my own head. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts that I have to pull myself out sometimes. I take a final look around, one last sweep of the sun and the water before I walk into the clouds. I look down at the water into the darkness. Hearing the water now hitting the rocks, a lullaby in disguise. Walking down the ramp, back onto solid ground I reflected on everything that just passed through my mind. I could never take things to that level, but in that moment, as content as I was with the idea of letting everything go, I'd rather see the sun rise.

Mirror practice...

There are some of us who look into a mirror and see greatness. A few of us don't bother to look into the mirror at all, because we're happy with who we are. I belong to a group that look into that same mirror and see never ending possibility. I'm never satisfied with where I'm at in life. I'm learning to enjoy the moments in life as they are happening and it is a splendid thing. When I see myself though...I only see room for improvement. I can be better, I can do better. Some would say that you can't truly love yourself if you're not happy with who you are. I say that you can be happy with where you are going, but you should never settle when you can do better.

This topic came to mind because I was having a conversation with a friend that complimented on how driven I am. My first thought was that anyone that truly knows me, might say that I haven't sought out my full potential yet, so I instantly criticized myself. Their response was that I had already done so much in my life, that my accomplishments so far were impressive already. After a moment of thinking about that comment and reflecting on my short lived adulthood...I really have done a lot. So, I think that what I'm trying to get at is that we need to look at the whole picture when we are trying to define success...being rich financially doesn't equate to being rich in life. I got my reminder today....and I still have plenty of time.

Take a second to look at your achievements, the stories you've created, the family you've been lucky enough to grow from a child with and the children you have made yourself...if you have had that joy. Look at these things and think. "Even if I'm not exactly where I want to be, right now in a particular aspect of my life, has the rest been good?" If you can say yes, you're still winning...and if you can't, maybe change some things and see what you can do.

Getting older and thinking younger...

When we are children, everything seems to come easy to us. We have the ability to forget about things just as quickly as they happen and they're never an issue again. What happened to our ability to just let things go? I'm sure it will be said that as we get older, direct intent fuels our reasoning for doing things and we understand all possible outcomes. Somewhere in life, we turned into risk takers and careless friends. On the path friend our tiny innocent selves to adulthood, we forgot how consider the effect of our actions on others...some of us just stopped caring all together. As much as these ideas used to bother me, I've learned to accept that some people just can't help the way they are, or refuse to change. Which ever of these two scenarios happens to be the case, being able to see it and acknowledge it will make your life easier.

I'm not going to give a lecture on forgiving and forgetting, because I don't believe that response is a realistic one. I had/have an acquaintance that I used to consider a friend that was for a all accounts, a pretty selfish person. If they didn't get the attention they wanted, you could see their demeanor change right there in that moment. If they felt like they had something better to do than to follow through with plans you had with them, you simply wouldn't hear from them...possibly for weeks after the fact. Sure there are other types also, the kinds that only come around when they're having hard times...the kind that seemingly pop up out of the blue a changed person once or twice a year, like clockwork, without fail...and please let's not forget the most notorious, best friend when I'm single/nowhere to be seen when I'm not-friend. All of these are great examples, but I'll focus on the first.

I had a thought this weekend. I've had it more than once in adult life and his has bitten me in the ass more than once, but the older I get, the easier it is...and the better I understand it. There's no more freeing a feeling than understanding that a problem doesn't lie (sp*) with you and being able to let it go. It really is a good thing to be able to let go of small things. In retrospect, you may be able to look back at something that was HUGE the moment it happened and realize looking back, it doesn't mean anything now. To forgive someone doesn't necessarily mean to literally forgive them to their face. It sometimes just means to let something go. Chalk an incident up to a bad judgment call, or a lapse in character. Sometimes, one bad moment doesn't have to erase all the good ones (I'll save this thought for friendships, specifically). Forgiving is sometimes easier than you might think if you can be open to growing up, just don't ever forget. I'm not saying to hold a grudge or ever even feel it necessary to bring up the bad moment, but as long as you know it is possible...the let down isn't there anymore.

Some people genuinely can't help the way they are, it's engrained in them. It isn't up to you to change them. Just enjoy the good times when they're good and know how to avoid the negativity. When you let the bad business roll off your shoulders, you can walk a little taller. Be the example...be like children.

A New Road....

The fog has rolled in. It's been here for days and days now. Slowing down traffic, hiding all the scenic beauties this state is known for and I think this is life. We run at full speed trying to be the fastest to get everywhere we are going, all of the time. Pass by me. Hit your blinker and take the next lane. Go a little faster to get to the same place we'll both be anyway, but feel good know that you weren't behind me on the way. You should follow me though, because I've thought this trip through and know not only where we're going, but why we're going.

Creativity is literally something we make. We will almost never be the first person to do anything, but we can do it in a style that makes it all our own. I want to bleed onto paper. Thoughts and ideas will drip, drip down onto the tablet. Pushing sliding and phrasing these truths, these little pieces that make the situation real. That is making things happen. I can draw a picture to save my life. I can take a camera and in my novice fashion, click click images of landscapes and moments in time. I can make those things happen, because they are there. OR...I could create something that never was. Give all the details, the sounds, the feelings and as you close eyes, draw a picture with my words that could make you....make you smile, or cry give you goose bumps on your neck, make you feel whatever I want you to feel because in all of this the one thing we should be doing, is feeling. A song, a poem, a quote, or a film moment. These all give you those instances where you can't move you may smile because you know something good has happened, but you don't know why. These are the things I want to do to you.

I don't know where I'm going with this. And that's so much fun.

Giving things time...

I got a really good piece of advice from a girl that I'm happy to call a friend. I'm not sure if using names is appropriate, but she told me that I should "put a little more of myself into my writing." She didn't mean to lay all of my business out there, just that if I explained how I came to my thoughts and conclusions, it would help people connect with me and connect a little better. (I know this is was a run on sentence, but it's my blog and it felt good) This is some of the best insight that I've gotten on the actual content of the blog (btw thank you for the few words of encouragement I have received.) so naturally, I took a break. I figured right now is a good a time as any to give it a crack.

I was having a conversation someone I'll just call "a friend". Regardless of who I'm talking about these persons will always be given that simple description unless I feel it's necessary. I've taken a lot from this person over the length of time that I've known her. One of the most important thing she's taught me is that I should be patient. She has never vocalized this, but she leads by example. She's never in a rush to do anything except get her work done, takes things day by day and generally is accepting of what comes her way. I recognized this in her from the beginning of our friendship and have tried to follow suit.

If there is one thing that I'm good at, it's brainstorming. This is a gift in that it's helped me work through so many problems for myself and for others, and a curse in that its never ending. I couldn't turn my mind off if I tried at times. Recently, I was talking to this friend and finally noticed something she is always indirectly pointing out, that I always seem to be in a rush nothing can ever happen soon enough when we talk. I'm always rushing through things like I'm trying to make other things happen sooner and in some in our conversation it finally clicked. If I'm always looking to the next thing, how can I enjoy right now? Even if the thing I'm looking forward to is the next thing, if I'm not patient about it, it isn't going to make it happen any sooner. So in an instance where I'm typically saying "when?" I was finally at a place where I knew it was going to happen, so I should be happy knowing that...and if it doesn't happen as soon as want, or at all for that matter, there's plenty of life still going on. I'm not really sure if I did a very good job of filling in the spaces with that post, but these are my thoughts...just give me some time to fine tune.

Expectations...

I can't speak for everyone on this, but it seems that the only thing we hold higher than the expectations of others, is the expectations we place on ourselves. At least that's the way it should be. I find myself more and more lately, trying to model my life choices based on happiness. When I say happiness, I don't just mean my happiness, but the happiness of others as well. I see the people I consider myself genuinely lucky to know, even if only vaguely and wanting to be more like them. The lovers of life, of adventure and of giving, are my role models. Anyone can be one of these people. It doesn't matter if they are younger or older, share similar interests, or even realize that are making an impact. I see these people living their lives doing things that are completely ordinary to them, part of their everyday existence. I see these people and know I want to do better.

The idea of molding myself into a better me, lead me to two different thoughts. The first thought was that it's impossible to model myself after everyone I value. How would you even do that? The only thing that comes to mind is to find what makes the people you hold highest stand out to you. In my case it would be happiness and love. These qualities seem to be reoccurring themes in many of my thoughts lately, but only because they are so strong and steadfast in the lives of those I value. My role models love as unconditionally as they know how and find the happiness in most any situation. There are no specific activities or secrets to how they are such great people, they're just doing them...passing on that special thing to others. I will try my best to do the same and I hope that you as a reader can recognize this in others and follow suit.

My second thought was "How do I set a standard and stick to it?". How do I make sure that I can strive to achieve the level of love that these people show and know I'm doing well enough? The answer to this question is easy. I can't. There's is no way to measure the amount of love that you give to any one person or to the world. You cannot say I've shared "x" amount of happiness today and have reached my daily quota. You simply do these things as often as possible for any, or no reason at all. There is no standard for happiness, or for love. Just do the things that you know are right, give back to the world and no one can tell you whether you have or haven't done enough. If you can be that person, the world will come to you. If you're lucky, you will be able to keep the ones you hold closest until forever...happy and loving.

Speaking easy...

We communicate with an ease that allows us to say things and move along doing the same things we have apologized for. It's not an intentional disregard, it's just what we've been trained to do. If you feel like you've wronged someone in some way, you apologize. Right? Not necessarily. What good is an apology if you're only going through the motions. We would never intentionally say something we didn't mean just for the sake of saying it, but we unknowingly have reached a level of lacking. We lack sincerity. I was told that I shouldn't say anything I don't mean, so I try not to. When I do, I will acknowledge it, correct myself and move on. Some people get into the habit of apologizing, for whatever reason, and doing nothing to correct whatever it is they are apologizing for. Definitely a pet peeve of mine.

I have been extremely busy at times. Times when I feel like things are so hectic, I forget to eat, time flies and I forget. I don't ever manage to forget about people though. You're relationships with the people in your life are of the highest value. Sure there are people that you just don't care to talk to and that is alright. At least in those situations, you have some personal reason for not communicating with someone. There are others that will simply say "I'm sorry, I've just been busy." This excuse for addressing they're lack of attention to communicate is often shallow and meaningless. After all, people get busy, that's nothing new. It doesn't explain why you're not equally as busy for everyone else you're not too busy for. In some funny way it's almost as if the apology is a buffer for a future apology, a warning that you have been acknowledged and nothing is going to change.

This isn't meant to be any sort of negative rant. I just had a moment thinking about the relationships and friendships I've been involved. Times that it seemed like there was no relationship or friendship to even be spoken of. Then I tried to look back and think if I had ever made someone feel like they were not important when they were making an active effort to communicate with me. I then thought about times that I've been the friend and how odd it makes you feel to know that someone is avoiding you, sometimes for no reason at all except that they just "busy." I'm going to make a better effort to communicate with the people in my life and acknowledge that they are there. People in my mind, don't want anything more than to feel like they matter. The next time you realize you've been putting someone off, or neglecting a friendship, don't just speak easy. Saying you're sorry and continuing to do what you're apologizing for to begin with only enforces the notion that you care even less than you admit. Find a friend, someone making an effort to be a part of your life and make them feel like they matter, because they did before...and probably will again.

Reflecting...

This is something I wrote six years ago when I made my first attempt at blogging. It's funny that even in just a few short years you can look back and think "I was so young then." You grow as a person everyday. A little older and a little more wise, reflecting on times passed:

It happens too often that driving down the street, looking at a picture or listening to a song, at times for a brief moment I feel completely empty. The crazy thing is that for as sad as I am for that little bit of time, the meaning is good. To know that I need friendships, need love, and need happiness. When you don't have those things you are completely isolated and alone, but when you do have them, those brief moments of emptiness make you appreciate the good times so much more.

We are all heart broken. We all fear that life won't turn out the way want it to. We all long for the things we can't have, and don't want the things we do have. I suppose it's just human nature to be neglectful, regretful, and selfish. We spend our days passing by each other with deceiving smiles. We put people down without giving the chance to really know them. We tell people we love them just as easily as we can tell them we hate them. And even though we would like to say we do, we really don't appreciate the good people in our lives.

This is random I know and doesn't make sense to some of you, but if you understand, think about this. From time to time I think about things that you probably wouldn't think I could or would. It's not always necessary to share things with people, but in this case I think it should be because even though I understand I may not always live my life the right way, I understand where I am going and eventually I will get there. I hope you someday too understand.

After you've read this, listen to this song. Don't ask me why but this song is the reason I wrote this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3Nnrj6i9Vk

A little help...

Today a man approached me in the parking lot at the grocery store. He gave me a sob story about how he was out here looking for jobs and got stranded with his daughter. I was gonna blow him off until I noticed his daughter only had a shirt and a blanket. He was trying to get gas to drive back to Spanaway...go figure. I told him I had some things to do but if I came out and he was there, I'd give him a couple dollars. I finished up my shopping and headed outside, but didn't see the guy anywhere. As I was pulling out, I noticed him across the lot and drove over to him. When I rolled down my window and realized it was me, he had the most genuine look of relief I've seen in a long time. He walked over and thanked me as his daughter is literally screaming "yay!". I told him it wasn't much and replied that it didn't even matter, it was appreciated. Sometimes people really do just need a "little" help.

You can't always take things at face value, even though instinctually, it feels like the right thing to do. Sometimes, you just need to have a little faith in people. I'd rather assume everyone has good in them and wait for them to prove me wrong, than to assume that everyone is out for self. Keeping hold of that mind is a slow and difficult transition, but I keep pushing forward. You have to give a little love to someone for them to realize than good things can happen for them. In a world of self gratifiers, what better way to get a little boost of confidence than to do something good for someone. Sure it's vain, all good deeds are in some way, but there are much, much worse ways to feed our egos. I'll take productive vanity over any other kind. Make someone happy and in turn, make yourself happy too.

None of us are going to change the world, but we can change someone's world for a day.

Dealing...

So, I from time to time get the pleasure of playing therapist with many of my friends. Not to say that I'm doing anything special. People that are going through things will talk to anyone willing to listen, it's just how people are. I do hope that on some level I do a better job at listening and helping with productive than anyone else. It's just the person I strive to be, if I should strive to be anything. You'd be amazed at how sometimes just listening to someone talk, no matter how long it takes or what is said, can help a person work through their problems without saying a word. Other times, it takes a definite skill to be objective and give feed back that is in the person's best interest. Helpful feed back, be good or bad, isn't always easy to come by. My gift? Maybe. Maybe not.

In the last two weeks I've shared time with various friends and family, talked about things and analyzed life situations. In every one of those situations I came up with this same general thought: "You can only sweep so much dirt under the rug for so long. Eventually, the rug will start blocking the door." What I mean by that is that we all have problems. In many ways our problems are different individually, but the same on a greater scale. You've never been through something in life that someone else hasn't already experienced. You're not special, not in that right. When we have problems that effect other areas of our lives, they are not worth putting off. There is no reason you shouldn't do today, what can be done today. You never know how passing on the opportunity to rectify something can snowball into other areas, creating chaos...unnecessary chaos. When one part of your life is out of whack, take a step back and look at everyone going on in your life. It could seem like you have fifty problems all going on at once, but if you look closely, it might just be one problem seething it's way into other areas.

If you see a problem, make it better...otherwise, nothing else will be better as a result. Happy New Year.