The prompt for this piece was to write about a reality you could once see for yourself, but can no longer. A childhood dream or past relationship. For some reason I always tend to write when I hear music. Songs inspire thoughts that make me want to pour into a page when would otherwise have nothing to say. The song happened to inspire the piece, but doesn't directly fit the prompt...It toes the line though so I figured I could get away with it. If your curious, the song is called "Never Had" by Oscar Isaac.
Enjoy.
When was the last time life approached you like a freight train? When has life ever hit you so hard that you felt no choice but to let it roll through. If not for the footprints leading to the tracks, no one would even know you had been on the path. Little things can catch you so off guard that they seem like a locomotive and you don't have any say, only left with the after thought. Beauty is a powerful thing. There is a beauty in being able to let go of people. Not to give them up, but to know they're on track to a different place. They may come back, or you may never see them again, but you can look on them in the distance and feel good about their journey. Feel good without sadness.
Harness the love in life. It isn't a statement, as much as it is a dare. There are a brave few out there, a certain kind of person that let's life happen without intention. Exciting and confusing, they don't apologize for any path they may take. After all, they didn't ask you to hitch a ride. It's a frustrating feeling, to see someone doing so much and feeling like a fake. To preach something, it must be practiced...practiced and learned. It so much the fakery that gives the feelings of deception, it's the anxiety that comes in wanting to be at the destination already. Suppose that it isn't the not understanding that is the bothersome thought, but the understanding. Knowing someone has traveled so far that you may never catch up.
It's crazy, almost insane to a point, that you could look back on one moment, and it seems almost unreal. Not unreal in the sense that it didn't happen, but unreal in the sense that you can see everything in a moment. The most intricate details make absolute sense, like being awoken from a dream, but in time blur into a messy haze. We live for the hurt, just like we live for the love. There's a moment right in between those spaces where things feel the most real. There's a moment when you just know things are going to work out. Some people would call it having a little faith. On these things I tend to agree. Whatever is going to happen, will happen. Just give it time. Maybe a fork in the road reconnects somewhere down the tracks. Maybe people are destined to travel in opposite directions forever. Things will workout however you let them. Live with happiness and hope...and don't be afraid to let someone go.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Working out the negativity ("aka" the friend rant...)
That's when the gun went off and she realized that is was her...
I'm kidding. When you watch a good movie though, it grabs your attention with action from the opening credits. So I figured I'd give it a shot. Did it work? I'm taking a different spin on the blog today, reverting back to a time in my younger years. I was pretty notorious for playing captain call out in my youth. The moment I saw someone saying or doing something I didn't deem acceptable, I would immediately call them out. For some reason, I thought very highly of my own personal moral compass...figured my honesty was just a little higher or more noteworthy than others. I only thought this way because I knew inside that I was broken. I judged myself on everything I did, everything I thought. I judged myself so often that I couldn't help but judge others, because it had become my habit.
It's taken me a long time to work through my demons and realize that I can be better. Some things in your life, you'll never be able to really fix. If you can figure out a way to think differently about the things you deem problematic, you may realize they were never problems at all, maybe it was all in your head. That being said, in my trying to be a better friend and a bigger person than I once was, I've noticed that I still can't get passed some of the thoughts I used to have. I've learned to think a different way about things, to let things go, but the longer it goes on and more frequently I see it happening...the more the steam builds. Even the best of us need some sort of release, a way to let the negativity go so that we can reset, focus on getting back to the good.
So, this is how I chose to work out my frustrations with people. It's a wide variety of different "types" of people I've noticed more often. These titles apply to more than one person or group, so if you think it's you, it probably is. I just want to make it clear that I'm not writing this entry about one particular person. I also want to express that I know I'm not perfect. I'm lucky enough to have amazing friends and family. I am in no way implying I'm better than anyone and I for sure have faults, but this isn't about that. Actually, I expect that some people will be able to relate. On some level, it may be entertaining for others, whatever. Read away.
The are titles. Some will have explanations, others will be self explanatory:
The humorist: Goes along with a situation to make you feel good about it. They won't tell you how they really feel, because they're too nice...or they're lying.
The hanger-outer: Is always putting out offers to spend time with you that they never plan on following through with.
The "yes" man/girl: Similar to the hanger outer, this person is notorious for always agreeing to tentative plans without any real intent of seeing them through. You can feel these people out by proposing "real" plans. Ask them to hang with specific details in mind and they'll typically come clean about their intent, otherwise...they'll just keep agreeing to tentative plans and never follow through.
The insincere apologizer: This is pretty self explanatory. The insincere apologizer is usually a repeat offender. Use the baseball rule when you come across these types. Three strikes and you're out.
The absent friend: The absent friend is one who never seems to be around, but is always around. They can also and often be seen in the insincere apologizer combo "sorry I've been so busy seeking out other friendships, but I haven't forgotten about ours...this message is proof." Then they're gone again. I think these friends don't really that the drop in message is actually the slap in the face.
The public couple: I need to voice that there are MANY of these couples in my social circles so don't get defensive. This is the couple that has more relationship problems than a doctoral thesis behind closed doors and advertises to the world publicly that their relationship is amazing. Everybody knows relationships aren't perfect, so does trying to convince the world yours is help?
The illusionist friend: Remember that saying that you are who your friends are?...or least people will think you are who your friends are? Well, the same thing applies to your extracurriculars. If you're always at a club or in a bar (girls), guys are not going to believe you're really a good girl that would rather spend nights at home on the couch. Seeing is believing.
The peter pan friend: This is the friend that refuses to grow up for whatever reason and is doing the exact same stuff they were doing a decade ago. They actively seek out the same hobbies, routines and sometimes drama that was acceptable in their youth. They generally have the best intentions at heart, but they're so wrapped up in their own ways that they don't realize they've never grown up.
The boomerang friend: This friend is a special breed. When they're around, you couldn't shake them if you tried. This isn't even a bad thing, they're actually a pretty good friend...until they don't need your support, then you won't hear from them for months, maybe longer. You know they'll come back, you're just never exactly sure when...or why.
The best-friender: The best friender is so busy being everyone's "best friend" that they don't actually have a best friend. Sometimes you wonder about these people...are they more interested in their friendships, or their image?
I'd keep going, but I'm hungry.
I'm kidding. When you watch a good movie though, it grabs your attention with action from the opening credits. So I figured I'd give it a shot. Did it work? I'm taking a different spin on the blog today, reverting back to a time in my younger years. I was pretty notorious for playing captain call out in my youth. The moment I saw someone saying or doing something I didn't deem acceptable, I would immediately call them out. For some reason, I thought very highly of my own personal moral compass...figured my honesty was just a little higher or more noteworthy than others. I only thought this way because I knew inside that I was broken. I judged myself on everything I did, everything I thought. I judged myself so often that I couldn't help but judge others, because it had become my habit.
It's taken me a long time to work through my demons and realize that I can be better. Some things in your life, you'll never be able to really fix. If you can figure out a way to think differently about the things you deem problematic, you may realize they were never problems at all, maybe it was all in your head. That being said, in my trying to be a better friend and a bigger person than I once was, I've noticed that I still can't get passed some of the thoughts I used to have. I've learned to think a different way about things, to let things go, but the longer it goes on and more frequently I see it happening...the more the steam builds. Even the best of us need some sort of release, a way to let the negativity go so that we can reset, focus on getting back to the good.
So, this is how I chose to work out my frustrations with people. It's a wide variety of different "types" of people I've noticed more often. These titles apply to more than one person or group, so if you think it's you, it probably is. I just want to make it clear that I'm not writing this entry about one particular person. I also want to express that I know I'm not perfect. I'm lucky enough to have amazing friends and family. I am in no way implying I'm better than anyone and I for sure have faults, but this isn't about that. Actually, I expect that some people will be able to relate. On some level, it may be entertaining for others, whatever. Read away.
The are titles. Some will have explanations, others will be self explanatory:
The humorist: Goes along with a situation to make you feel good about it. They won't tell you how they really feel, because they're too nice...or they're lying.
The hanger-outer: Is always putting out offers to spend time with you that they never plan on following through with.
The "yes" man/girl: Similar to the hanger outer, this person is notorious for always agreeing to tentative plans without any real intent of seeing them through. You can feel these people out by proposing "real" plans. Ask them to hang with specific details in mind and they'll typically come clean about their intent, otherwise...they'll just keep agreeing to tentative plans and never follow through.
The insincere apologizer: This is pretty self explanatory. The insincere apologizer is usually a repeat offender. Use the baseball rule when you come across these types. Three strikes and you're out.
The absent friend: The absent friend is one who never seems to be around, but is always around. They can also and often be seen in the insincere apologizer combo "sorry I've been so busy seeking out other friendships, but I haven't forgotten about ours...this message is proof." Then they're gone again. I think these friends don't really that the drop in message is actually the slap in the face.
The public couple: I need to voice that there are MANY of these couples in my social circles so don't get defensive. This is the couple that has more relationship problems than a doctoral thesis behind closed doors and advertises to the world publicly that their relationship is amazing. Everybody knows relationships aren't perfect, so does trying to convince the world yours is help?
The illusionist friend: Remember that saying that you are who your friends are?...or least people will think you are who your friends are? Well, the same thing applies to your extracurriculars. If you're always at a club or in a bar (girls), guys are not going to believe you're really a good girl that would rather spend nights at home on the couch. Seeing is believing.
The peter pan friend: This is the friend that refuses to grow up for whatever reason and is doing the exact same stuff they were doing a decade ago. They actively seek out the same hobbies, routines and sometimes drama that was acceptable in their youth. They generally have the best intentions at heart, but they're so wrapped up in their own ways that they don't realize they've never grown up.
The boomerang friend: This friend is a special breed. When they're around, you couldn't shake them if you tried. This isn't even a bad thing, they're actually a pretty good friend...until they don't need your support, then you won't hear from them for months, maybe longer. You know they'll come back, you're just never exactly sure when...or why.
The best-friender: The best friender is so busy being everyone's "best friend" that they don't actually have a best friend. Sometimes you wonder about these people...are they more interested in their friendships, or their image?
I'd keep going, but I'm hungry.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Changing directions
Prompt: A moment in my life that I found peace in, that didn't spawn from joy.
There is a warmth coming from above. I make my way to the front of the ship, the only seating that isn't surrounded by walls and glass. Sitting in a crowd full of people, I have never felt more alone. The seagulls dive to water and pass overhead and with each rise of a wave I sink into this haze of thoughts, almost hypnotized. Watching as the moving water catches reflections of the sun, in each fleck of gold all I can see is a deep green that eventually fades into black. The cool air turns cold as I remember a man describing the temperature of the water this time of the year. If the initial shock of the water doesn't cause your muscles to lock up, the following hypothermia will do all the damage it needs to. I think about dreaming. I dream about sleep. Wondering what the darkness is like, I rub my hands together. I feel the heat of my own body and consider the idea of never experiencing another sunset, or sunrise. Is no longer having to deal with the struggles and worries of daily living worth giving up the happy moments that make living worthwhile?
A short trip, less than thirty minutes, feels like hours. How many times can someone make the trip to this lonely island and not lose a little happiness somewhere in these waters. It's so hard to leave life at the door and leave work, at work when coming and going is such a chore. The idea of going to work, is work and only compiles the depression I already feel about my current state. When your job is to look after people that society deems "unfit" to live in the general population, you can't really go to work cheery. Imagine a wall of clouds, dark and thundering, as if waiting behind a wall of glass. That is what it's like for people sometimes. They're in a situation that they know they have to cross a line, go to a place that isn't positive for any reason other than it give society comfort and hope to walk out the same way they walked in. Some places are just no good.
Sprays of water touch my face and realize that the ride is coming to an end. People begin to gather up their belongings and wrap up their conversations, but I haven't set anything down. I haven't spoken to anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside of my own head. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts that I have to pull myself out sometimes. I take a final look around, one last sweep of the sun and the water before I walk into the clouds. I look down at the water into the darkness. Hearing the water now hitting the rocks, a lullaby in disguise. Walking down the ramp, back onto solid ground I reflected on everything that just passed through my mind. I could never take things to that level, but in that moment, as content as I was with the idea of letting everything go, I'd rather see the sun rise.
There is a warmth coming from above. I make my way to the front of the ship, the only seating that isn't surrounded by walls and glass. Sitting in a crowd full of people, I have never felt more alone. The seagulls dive to water and pass overhead and with each rise of a wave I sink into this haze of thoughts, almost hypnotized. Watching as the moving water catches reflections of the sun, in each fleck of gold all I can see is a deep green that eventually fades into black. The cool air turns cold as I remember a man describing the temperature of the water this time of the year. If the initial shock of the water doesn't cause your muscles to lock up, the following hypothermia will do all the damage it needs to. I think about dreaming. I dream about sleep. Wondering what the darkness is like, I rub my hands together. I feel the heat of my own body and consider the idea of never experiencing another sunset, or sunrise. Is no longer having to deal with the struggles and worries of daily living worth giving up the happy moments that make living worthwhile?
A short trip, less than thirty minutes, feels like hours. How many times can someone make the trip to this lonely island and not lose a little happiness somewhere in these waters. It's so hard to leave life at the door and leave work, at work when coming and going is such a chore. The idea of going to work, is work and only compiles the depression I already feel about my current state. When your job is to look after people that society deems "unfit" to live in the general population, you can't really go to work cheery. Imagine a wall of clouds, dark and thundering, as if waiting behind a wall of glass. That is what it's like for people sometimes. They're in a situation that they know they have to cross a line, go to a place that isn't positive for any reason other than it give society comfort and hope to walk out the same way they walked in. Some places are just no good.
Sprays of water touch my face and realize that the ride is coming to an end. People begin to gather up their belongings and wrap up their conversations, but I haven't set anything down. I haven't spoken to anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside of my own head. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts that I have to pull myself out sometimes. I take a final look around, one last sweep of the sun and the water before I walk into the clouds. I look down at the water into the darkness. Hearing the water now hitting the rocks, a lullaby in disguise. Walking down the ramp, back onto solid ground I reflected on everything that just passed through my mind. I could never take things to that level, but in that moment, as content as I was with the idea of letting everything go, I'd rather see the sun rise.
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