My sick son, my tired family and our ruined Christmas

It's Christmas eve and I don't care. At this point I just want this year to be over. Never in 100 years did I think the last two weeks of what we normally consider "the most wonderful time of the year", could end in so much stress and sadness. My family and I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week and have spent roughly 30 plus hours of the last 5 days in one hospital or another. It started early in the week when Kher was having his middle of the night wake up sessions. He's been doing it for a few weeks, but it's not a big deal. He wakes up and in turn, we do as well...we watch a movie and have a snack until he gets tired. If it's 20 minutes, or 3 hours, we're right there with him.

This week though, he started having fits. We haven't seen these fits it quite some time, to my recollection. He screams and cries uncontrollably, tensing his entire body and reaching his arms and fingers out, not wanting to be touched. When he was a baby, we spent many nights in the er...trying to find out what was wrong with our baby. We were told it was reflux, given meds and eventually we got things under control. He's not so little now, even though he's still a baby. He had been dealing with a fever for days before Wednesday and Tuesday night he developed a small patch of patechia on his lower buttox cheek. Brooke was worried but we were told by our pediatrician that if he didn't improve, to take him into the er on Wednesday. Wednesday came and he started having fits, like he used to when he was younger. Between his fever, the rash and his fits we decided to take him to Tacoma General.

Once we were in a room, we described what the issue was and the doctors went to work. Upon beginning examination the doctor noticed random bruising on Kher. When they inquired about the patechia we told him the details of when we noticed it and the doctor made a comment of the various bruising. We explained clearly to him that Kher is an extremely active baby and doesn't have his motor functions fully mastered yet. He falls a lot and bumps into things frequently, especially when he's getting sleepy. The doctor then explained that he was concerned that some of the bruises were in "uncommon places" like on the outsides of his thighs as opposed to his knees (because apparently all babies get bruises in the exact same places?). They said they wanted to do imaging to make sure he didn't have any fractures or breaks, on top of tummy x-rays for constipation, to which we gladly complied. We wanted all bases covered and wanted to cancel out any possibilities as to why he might be in pain. Kher had been having a terrible experience up to this point with the doctors and nurses and the longer the night went, the worse it felt for our whole family.

When their team did the first blood draw, a male nurse proclaimed "man, he really is strong" commenting on how difficult it was to keep him still. Keep in mind any time we try to put a diaper on...get him dressed, it's a fight. We had also earlier explained that this could have been the cause of any one of his bruises. The second time they said they had to draw blood again because their sample had coagulated, i began crying. When they asked why i was crying, i replied "I just can't stand to see my son in pain." After everything was said and done, the team found no conclusive answers for his fits or pain, but notified us that an advocate would be coming in to speak with us. We didn't think much of it until the advocate explained why she was there. We were both shocked and saddened to hear that the team expressed concern that we may be abusing our son due to the bruising and the rash, as the rash could have been the result of him being spanked. We were told a cps worker would be by to visit us anywhere between 24 hours and 3 days.

We arrived home some time around 10 or 11am the next day (Thursday) and immediately went to sleep. A cps worker came knocking on our door late that afternoon. She explained to us why she was there and that allegations of abuse had been made. We tried to keep a composed head while answering all her questions and then she separated us to speak with us independently. She asked me some questions about home and work and then she asked me questions about methods of punishment. I explained to her that Kher isn't even 2 yet and doesn't really actively communicate. Punishing him wouldn't accomplish anything. We just try to redirect him to the best of our ability. I work at a behavioral school as a behavior intervention specialist, so I have experience with behaviorally challenged children from broken homes. It surprised and irritated me to find out that she asked me about punishment methods, but didn't find it necessary to ask Brooke when she had asked Brooke a few of the other questions she ask me. It fucking infuriated me while walking the cps worker back to her car when she inquired about a specific note the nurse had taken during Kher's second blood draw when I was crying. She said that the nurse had quoted me saying something to the effect of me "not wanting him to be hurt anymore." I can't remember exactly how she worded it, but I vividly remember getting the impression that the wording implied some sort of guilt on my part for either actions, or knowledge of actions taken against my son. I corrected her as to what I had actually said and why I said it and she went on her way. Before leaving, she notified me that this would be ongoing and we could expect a police visit.

Since then, we have been to urgent care and Seattle Children's trying to find out what's wrong with our baby, because he's still having fits. On Christmas eve...this day, he had a fit that worried us to the point we were about to spend Christmas in the er, but he got through it before we could leave. Every time he feels good and is playing, or running through the house and falls, our stomachs sink because we wonder if he'll wind up.with a bruise. We're letting him bounce around the house without a diaper on because if we try to put one on and he puts up a fight, we just give up. It's snowing on Christmas for the first time I can remember in years, and I don't care. I just my baby to be happy and healthy...and to crawl into a hole. Merry Christmas.

Putting love into words...

Laying in a hospital at 2am, exhausted from labor and visiting friends and family; I'm looking at you with a love I didn't know I had room for in my heart. Watching your mother feeding you, it takes everything I have to fight back the sleepiness that has plagued me for days. She looks at me and says "it's ok to go to sleep now." to which I simply reply "I can't."

I could watch you sleep forever. Everything you do fascinates me. The kind of love I have for you trumps everything I can recall that I've enjoyed in my short life. As I lay there watching you sleep, this irrational fear takes over and I sincerely reply to your mother "I can't go to sleep. I'm too afraid that I'll wake up and he won't be here." You are a dream to me, son. In every sense of the statement, you are too good to be true.

I watched you come into the world. Looking at the faces of everyone there to support us was all I could do at times to grasp how close you were to finally being ours; and when you arrived, I couldn't look at you. I'm not sure if it's because I felt like I didn't deserve you. I wasn't sure of anything in that moment, I just knew I couldn't see you yet. I needed to get right with myself, because this love that consumed me now, is the complete opposite of what I felt when I first discovered you were going to be mine.

I'm saddened and embarrassed to admit that at one point in time, I had no interest in a little kherington being in my life. I wasn't in a good place in my life, or at least a good enough place, I thought. The idea that everything had to be perfect and in order to do something like having a child, is silly and unrealistic in retrospect. Now that I see you, now that I see myself in you, I know things will be ok...but they will be ok BECAUSE you are here. You are my motivation. From this day on, I live for you.

Thank you for being mine.

I won't let you down.

Love,

Daddy

Quality Of Life

This isn't meant to be picking on the overweight. This is simply a message to out of shape people, that don't consider the bigger picture when it comes to their health. I'm speaking from a place of caring and concern. Some people would say I should let them be happy and mind my business, but I can't. Through my experiences in life and those around me, and through my education, it has been engrained in me. I don't seek to change anyone, just to hopefully open an eye or two...



In a general sense QOL, or quality of life is defined as "the standard of health, comfort, and happiness experienced by an individual or group." The general mindset of people who work in the fitness, or health field isn't to be famous, or rich. People who work in these fields typically do it because they have a passion for helping others defeat depression, illness, body image issues, or other factors that would contribute to a lesser QOL.

An individual recently released a video rant where he tore into overweight people calling them all kinds of names, degrading them, and making himself look like a lesser person. He was on the right path, he just took the wrong way...off a cliff...in a car with no breaks...loaded with explosives. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

There is a fat acceptance movement that is happening. Surprisingly, and at the same time not surprisingly, it's happening. Overweight people are taking pride in their looks. Their happy being overweight, because they can eat, drink, and be merry. Their quality of life, for the most part is good. The problem is, they don't see the cliff.

This fat acceptance movement is going to lead to the next generate of frequent hospital visiting, pill popping, complaining retirees; that is, if they make it that long. While I do see the perks in not living by any real rules in regards to consumption, having self control, or caring what people think about the way they look, I as health and wellness enthusiast, former professional in the field, and once unhappy overweight person, can see the cliff. The cliff looks like diabetes. It looks like gout and socks that force the blood back out of your limbs. It looks like a person that is genuinely tired doing things they shouldn't have to think twice about. It looks like a doctors warning that things need to change...soon.

I just want people to consider the bigger picture. If you just sweat a little bit; if you do something you don't want to do, but know you need to do. Have a little restraint and do don't take in whatever you want, just because you feel like it; it could pay off in dividends. Why not add on years to your life? Not just years alive, but years healthy and functioning; not riddled with pill bottles and complaints. You don't have to kill yourself in the gym, you don't even have to go to a gym, you just need to try!

I'm not here to tell anyone how to live their lives. I'm here to remind people that everyone doesn't have to be a fitness model, but every one should try to be as healthy as their bodies will allow. You're body is literally a finely tuned vehicle. Keep putting sugar in your gas tank, and eventually that motor is going to stop running. You owe it to yourself and the people you love to get as many miles out of your life as possible.

One day, someone is going to tell you that you need to make a change, or they're going to tell you that it's too late to change. All I'm saying is, try to be the person that said they did what they could; not the person that says "I wish I would've done more".

This isn't to say that everyone is overweight because of life choices. Some people have medical conditions, mental health conditions, real eating disorders, etc...

This isn't even meant to be solely directed at people that are overweight. There are plenty of people that live much more poorly than overweight people, their bodies just don't reflect it in the same way. Skinny fat women and men, the "dad bods", anorexic people, the gambit is wide and runs far. This is a general statement that the only people that are truly happy, are the ones focus on an all encompassing, better quality of life. Health and fitness just happen to be something I'm passionate about, so I chose to put my thoughts and energy, here and now.

The biggest contribute I believe any one person can make in their lives, is to inspire others. If one person in my life says that I inspired them to make a change, that I was the reason they decided to better themselves; to make themselves happy...that's all I need.

Love yourselves. Not in the sense that you love a particular aspect of yourself, but that you appreciate the short life you have.

The downside of happiness...

Happiness is the golden ring. We all work hard, play hard, love even harder, and suffer great heartache in our quest to simply be happy. That last one though, the heartache, the downside of happiness is a reminder that real people won't always be happy.

We have dark days. We cry and curse...confused and alone. Our thoughts leave us. They go to places we forget exist, places that happiness shields us from...until it leaves us defenseless. Our smiles and positivity...kind gestures and joy spreading, they give the world around us an idea of a person that isn't completely accurate. The best of us have problems most people would never believe. We deal with things in secret. We seek out the few people we can connect to, while giving everyone else what they expect...the image.

There is a downside to happiness.

It doesn't have to control us...in those weak moments.
We don't have to suffer alone.
We can be real poeple.
To only let the world see one side of us, is to perpetrate a lie.

Sadness...hurt and loneliness, are all the downsides of happiness. They don't however, have to be negative. After all, with a little bad in our lives, we appreciate the happiness that much more.

Growing together...

It happens too often that driving down the street, looking at a picture or listening to a song, at times for a brief moment I feel completely empty. The crazy thing is that for as sad as I am for that littile bit of time, the meaning is good. To know that I need friendships, need love, and need happiness. When you don't have those things you are completely isolated and alone, but when you do have them, those brief moments of emptiness make you appreciate the good times so much more.

We are all heart broken. We all fear that life won't turn out the way want it to. We all long for the things we can't have, and don't want the things we do have. I suppose it's just human nature to be neglectful, regretful, and selfish. We spend our days passing by eachother with decieving smiles. We put people down without giving the chance to really know them. We tell people we love them just as easily as we can tell them we hate them. And even though we would like to say we do, we really don't appreciate the good people in our lives.

This is random I know and doesn't make sense to some of you, but if you understand then think about this. From time to time I think about things that you probably wouldn't think I could or would. It's not always necessary to share things with people, but in this case I think it should because even though I understand I may not always live my life the right way, I understand where I am going and eventually I will get there. I hope you someday too understand.

After you've read this, listen to this song. Don't ask me why but this song is the reason I wrote this.

http://youtu.be/B3Nnrj6i9Vk

Memories in parting (for Sandy)

Never in my life have I seen someone love so hard, or hurt so much in one moment...to cry so hard that it pains you. How do you comfort someone who is lost in a sadness? There are no words to quell the storm as the rains fall. It is upon you. My poor mother aches.

The possibility has always been around, but never been a reality, and then it happens. Even when hearing it, the idea that someone you were sharing words with hours before, has left us here. A timid, and quiet soul, always the fly on the wall, just going along for the ride - the kind of person that could battle a gambit of emotions to appear un-phased...the kind of person that you could count on to just be her.

It's no exaggeration to say that since before I could talk, before I could ever open my big mouth, Sandy knew me. Friends since I was a baby, my mother and Sandy have remained in contact over 30 years. Even though there was a chunk of years where I never saw Sandy, one day she started showing up, and she's pretty much been around ever since...ready for whatever my big mouth had to say.

Even in the quiet, strength can be found. Battling failing kidneys and diabetes, I was never surprised to overhear conversations of health and well being. Never surprised to see those two women, taking naps together like grown children. When you're with a real friend, whatever is whatever.

Writing a complete thought is somewhat of a challenge when memories come back at random, and thoughts only seem to find you when you have no way to record them.

If you really think about it, our lives are like ideas missed. We spend our lives waiting for these moments to happen. Our successes and joys, anticipating things that will soon be memories, hoping to capture every detail. Regardless if it's 6 years or 60 years, our lives are over in a flash. No matter how long any of us have to live, we're gone too soon. Like those great ideas that come and go before you know it...before it could be kept.

Imagine a good sleep. Think about a time when you were so tired, you don't even remember falling asleep. You awoke with more energy than any supplement could provide. There was clarity and drive in every thought, and you just felt...good. Imagine how happy you are in those moments. I imagine your passing to be like that. You don't even know it happened. A good sleep has fallen upon you.

Sleep well Sandy.

Living foolishly...

In some strange way, I consider every conversation I have with a friend, acquaintance or stranger, a lucky incident. I use the incident descriptor for these moments because in every little talk, be it on my end, or theirs, I find something between the lines that strikes me at the core. A battle of the minds and morals a few weeks ago left me feeling anger for a friend's blatant stupidity, or at least what i thought was stupidity in the heat of the moment; and at the same time envy that they could make a decision to live in a moment free of shame, free of morals, just free.

Without giving away any real details, we'll just say they made a very selfish decision that benefited them in the present, with no regard as to who it hurt, or the fact that it would eventually hurt them. By nature, I tend to dwell on things. Another trait of my personal craziness that I consider to be a gift and a curse. There is this deeply engrained need in me to fix people, to make them see things the way I do. Some would say that this is because I am bull-headed, that I always have to be right, and that is not the case. Sure, being right is ok when you're right, but there are plenty of times where being right can and does deliver negative consequences. I will only push until I break when I feel like someone is walking a moral tight rope and I can sway them to do what is right, but that is another conversation in itself.

It just isn't in me to jump right into any topic with first telling you why or how I've gotten to this point, so there you have it. In all of my blogs, in my most basic ideologies though, I understand where they're coming from. They're just living foolishly.

The fools love with everything they have, regardless of the outcome. The fools don't mind putting themselves out there for world to see; don't mind repercussions of their decisions as long as in their hearts, they felt like what they were doing was right. The fool will aim for the stars, knowing they will never reach them; the fool will bask in the excitement of an opportunity taken, and cry with honesty and acceptance when the payoff isn't what they longed for. But, isn't this the point of life? After all, we do only get one chance...one shot...one opportunity? Wait...that's Eminem. Seriously though, your life is yours. It isn't meant for you to go around wondering and worrying about people that don't have, or don't want to have anything to do with you. They can be fools for a whole different reason. You, can live foolishly...and happily. You know the secret.

This isn't to say that it's okay to go around treading on others for the sake of your happiness, merely that sometimes risks have to be taken. Waters have to be tread on in order to know that you've done everything in your power to be happy. This isn't a lesson on relationships, even though it is what spawned this blurb. This is a lesson about life. Care with everything you have. Appreciate every moment for what it is. Laugh like a fool, because that's why we're alive. Cry like an idiot when you hurt, because getting it all out will make it better...and end with a smile. Tell the person on your mind everything you want to say, because if you don't...you'll regret it. I can promise you that. Sometimes things will come out that you didn't even mean to say, but that's okay...because you're a fool.

In my last year and a half of finding happiness, giving love, giving kindness, and trying in my own way to spread my ideas; I've also begun to live a little foolishly. I must say, I'm liking it.